Handling Difficult Conversations in HR

So, you work in HR, and you have a difficult conversation ahead of you. Maybe you have to deliver the news that an employee has been made redundant. Or talk about misconduct. Or maybe someone’s come to you with a topic that just makes you feel…uncomfortable, awkward. 

As qualified as you are, at the end of the day, you’re a human being working in HR—not a licensed psychologist. 

Enter Dr Julia Shaw, one of Spot’s cofounders. Dr Shaw is a psychologist best known for her work in the areas of false memory and criminal psychology. She offers some practical steps for preparing to have these conversations as well as techniques for practicing active listening once you’re in them.

Two steps to prepare for a difficult conversation with an employee

If you already have that meeting scheduled, start by preparing. Dr Shaw advises, “Before delivering difficult news at work, HR professionals need to go in prepared and realise that how they behave can unintentionally change what people tell them. People often underestimate how hard it is to stay neutral while still building trust.”

The best way to do this is by preparing a semi-scripted interview. 

A script with questions and points you want to discuss will help you stay neutral and adhere to the topic at hand. Scripts are crucial if the conversation gets emotional. You can take a moment to check your notes, which allows you to pause and shift from an emotion-driven space to a fact-driven one. As Dr Shaw explains, “Make sure the questions are not leading or suggestive. Good questions are hard to craft – writing neutral questions ahead of time is much easier than doing it in the moment.”

Active listening techniques for HR

One of the biggest mistakes HR professionals make in difficult conversations? Assuming they can detect lies or judge the truth of someone’s story.

“Humans are terrible at lie detection,” says Dr Shaw. “And we’re often overconfident in our abilities, which leads to making assumptions. This can make people stop disclosing important information.”

Instead, she suggests focusing on fact-finding with a few simple active listening techniques.

• Keep your reactions neutral. Avoid leaning too hard into empathy on the one hand or skepticism on the other. Both can influence how the other person perceives and shares their own experience. It’s also important to avoid getting defensive.

• Repeat or paraphrase. Show the other person that you’re listening by restating their key points. As Dr Shaw suggests “Make sure you use the person’s exact word or term rather than paraphrasing”. It’s not about validating every emotion or detail but ensuring they know they have been heard and can expand on the main points they’re trying to communicate.

• Ask neutral questions. Frame your questions in a way that doesn’t lead or suggest (we call these open, non-leading questions). For example, instead of “Did you feel targeted?” you can ask, “What happened next?”

But what about liability? Cultivating a non-defensive mindset

One common challenge HR professionals face is the fear that acknowledging employee complaints could create legal liability. 

HR leadership strategies such as active listening can de-escalate tension, as employees feel heard and respected rather than dismissed. By responding calmly and openly, HR can redirect the conversation from blame to problem-solving. Validating an employee’s concerns doesn’t mean admitting guilt or committing to fixing everything right away. It’s about signaling that their voice matters.

By keeping defensiveness at bay, you can help employees discuss the underlying issues. Sometimes what sounds like a non-actionable complaint—for example, “My colleague is impossible to work with”—is actually about something deeper, like feeling undervalued. This is valuable information that helps you structure company-wide strategies, such as better manager training. 

And the best way not to get defensive? Remember that “people come to HR specifically because they would like to see something change in the organization.”

Cheat sheet for handling tough workplace discussions

Do:

• Prepare emotionally and logistically before the meeting

• Bring a script of your anticipated conversation to keep things on track

• Validate the other person’s experience without amplifying or minimizing it

• Ask neutral (open, non-leading) questions

• Acknowledge when something is wrong, even if it’s not your fault

• Focus on finding solutions and moving forward

Don’t:

• Assume you can detect lies or guess the “truth”

• Lean too heavily into emotions, which can distort the conversation

• Make assumptions about what the other person needs—ask instead

• Get defensive; you’re on the same team, working towards a solution

Final thoughts

Difficult conversations are never fun; our (very human) instinct is to avoid them. But with the right preparation, techniques, and mindset, they’re also an opportunity to build trust, show empathy, and drive positive change.